The journey...

It had been a long one,in every respect..the arduous journey,the painful wait..but something just drove her on.She was a determined person all through,but time had tested her so much,she felt at times that she didnt have it in her anymore.The past year had been her longest,at times it felt like 655days..she waited,hoped and prayed.She thought that was the one thing that kept her on track,the prayers soothed her mind.The tumultous waves of tsunami just died down to a still water lake when she prayed.It was her miracle drug.
Even then she seemed to be questioning God's motives.What good would it do to her when everything around was just crumbling and all she could do was watch it haplessly.It had arisen in her mind several unanswered questions as she never liked the taste of defeat.She was a sore loser,she admitted it herself.But here she was tackling one hurdle after another and in all she wasnt the mighty winner.This depressed her and she waited for her time.

Then one fine day,things started looking up.Her long unfulfilled dreams had started taking shape slowly.Things had started looking up and finally she had achieved what was supposed to be short term yet the most significant goal.

In her quiet reflection she thought,God was protecting her from taking any harsh decision.He wanted to gift her with the best possible option.All through her life she had struggled,struggled for care,for a true friend..She wanted to get pampered,wanted someone to love her unconditionally,wanted a person caring enough to understand her emotions.

HIS AFTERGLOW...

Of late, it has been difficult to suppress;

Thoughts spurned with emotions have been crashing on the shores of my mind, gently subsiding over the hilly terrains of uncertainty;

The turbulent waves ebb down only to return back formidable, huge tides that engulf my mind.

They have crossed the barriers of the subconscious to infiltrate my practical mind,but has been checked and held back by the crash gates called practicality.

My scientific mind should have been more receptive in to the inner warnings of putting the ideas on hold,but it has been of little help!

Initially it chided,but these days it seems to have laid down its arms in front of the abstinent mind.

Its difficult to imagine how time and again I choose a life smothered by inevitable sufferings,this time around I dug a pit so deep that it could well turn out to be my grave,with a R.I.P hanging over it!

Surprisingly even then,it doesnt hold back my thoughts; they march on undeterred.

I question myself, how could this have happened?Has this ever occurred before?

I know the answer isn't in the affirmative,but my mind protests, "There is always a first time"!

"First time to what? My destruction?The initial phase of short lived happiness to be followed by pangs of grief?", my conscious revolts back.

I have been a sadistic person through the better part of my life,but this change is welcomed with open arms.

I feel a better person,happy to be with myself- the way a smile plays on my lips, every time I think about him, I feel rejuvenated.

My mind knows no fear- for it has tasted happiness; how the taste of immortality drives man to attain the impossible even when they are aware of its futility.

I know my happiness is short lived;sooner or later,expectations would start building up and when they will fall short,I will be hurt.

I know not what to do to escape this predicament- Ignore him?avoid talking to him on casual pretexts?stop looking for him when he is not around?

Nothing comes to my mind that I have not tried before,but none of these could come to my rescue.

What it did was to leave me with a yearning,scathing heart, which was nursed back to health by him- talking to him,stealing a few glances,seeing him smile.

Deep within,my mind wants to give up on the loneliness that has seen me through the better half of my life,

It wants to thrive on the little meal of joy that he brings in my life.

For when he speaks,it rings a thousand bells which chimes in harmony.

It soothes my pain, puts an end to my disdain which the world piles up in my mind.

His smile brings the feeling of spring amidst the fall,its so vibrant.

Its like a warm cozy shelter on a windy night.

Its as beautiful as the sky at the break of dawn.

Its so innocent and arresting,it melts my heart.

And his eyes,those beautiful chestnut colored ones,can light up any place in the world however grim or dim.

Those eyes which can hold my attention anytime and transfixes me.

The way they look at me,I get transformed to a magical realm.

The way it drives out any fear or hesitance and instills in me a beautiful feeling,

The way the world looks flawless and lovely when I look through your eyes.

His eyes,I can see the sun rising in them,they mesmerize me.

When I look at his eyes I can't help but hold my gaze,

It sends a tingle down my spine

Everytime I think of him,I smile. His smile shines through in my thoughts.

Whenever I try not to think of him,his charming smile crawls back into my mind.

I can feel my heart beating faster,throbbing out of control whenever he smiles at me.

I feel eternally happy,so calm and so much at peace.

If I could savour one moment in my life,asked to keep just a single memoir,

I would like to keep the image of his eyes twinkling with his heavenly smile.

Maybe he is a distant dream,wont be even logical to call it a dream as that raises a hope of it coming true.

But I feel helpless,unable to control myself,not that I mind

I am happy living in this moment,

Lost in his thoughts,in his afterglow.

VIT through my Eyes

May,2008- i happened to stumble upon two of my Friends' conversation about them applying in VIT. My world came crashing in,as 'we' had thought that we would apply to places together,do our masters together.I had only a week in hand to get the aplication form..but when the day came to send the filled in form,i was faced with a double bandh..everything was uncertain..The day came when the selection list was published..and I was called for the interview..I thanked my stars.
June,2008- Went to Vellore for the interview.over two days in train,studying for the interview,me and Pounami..so much of anticipation..
The day came,ranks were given..lucky to scrape through..chose Biomedical Genetics over Microbio..could see my dream of carying on with Cancer taking shape.
July,2008- 7th july our 1st sem classes start.i get my room in Syu Ki block,a 6bedded one,my rum mates-Pounami,Divya,Harika,Chandrika,Ipshita..it took me almost a sem to befriend people..i was still reviving from the shock I had got..
1st sem was about studies-a great biochem professor,a horrible notes savvy cel bio lecturer,and I was introduced into a world of colors!(we had to use colored pens for drawing!)
1st sem was also about the spooky block..i remember those frightened sleepless nights,i remember being homesick,i remember crying to return home..then all of a sudden the sem came to an end..
December,2008- 2nd sem classes started..slowly I started making frnds,we formed the 1st benchers group- AACID- Avipsa(the serious one),Anila(the bubbly one),Charu(the crackpot),Ipshi(the cute one) and me!we rocked-boring classes,a pj loving lecturer,asignments,seminars..Meanwhle we moved into Ida Scudder block,E-106..started gelling with Chandu further..movie nights,gossips together,room was fun!
June,2009- had to come back early from the vacations for the cancer genetics classes of Dr.Hande!! those were fun days,food at special mess,chitchats,group seminars and the hi-tech CAT!
July,2009- 3rd sem and the best of all!we did maximum fun..conferences,seminars,lecture series..and ofcourse Gravitas!our biobusiness plan(Alchemist),Superevolution,guessing the killer-we had a brainstorming session..Stats class,the sleepy DG classes(Avi's gems were a saviour),a scholarship,SHAH's b'day bash,Chandu and me shifting to another room,E406,our photosesions,having the time of our lives..satisfyng!
Then,the day of farewell came,suddenly everything came to a standstill..Tears,best wishes,embraces,hugs..time to depart.
December,2009- 6months project at IICB.
March,2010- midreview time..we were meeting up after a long time..memories came rushing back..lovely time together..
June,2010- final review..friends reassemble together for the final time-last stay at hostel,hostel food,late night chats,studying together-everything came to an end..
VIT has been a life changing experience-lots of positivity in it. I have grown here mentally and earned many- great lifelong friends,some life lasting experiences with awesome scientists the world over,b'day bashes,a movie bank..and loads more..
There have been some setbacks,but when does it not happen..love it or hate it,you simply can't ignore it! VIT was really a place to be-amazing campus,great atmosphere,genuinely great hostel life..got everything here!

Would proudly like to say- 'Once a VITian,always a VITian'!

wish could have turned back time..

The Plight of Fear

Fear always makes one vulnerable..but the greatest fear in my life has been that of losing.I have lost to many things-to people,to fate,to time and above all to Death..
I always believed I was a v.strong girl,who has matured earlier than apprehended..but when I lost some precious people,i could feel the fear gripping over..i could sense the vulnerability seeping in..from a brave and confident girl,i was transformed into a shaky,nervous female..I was losing my identity.
I have lost a lot,so much so that at one point i had started to remain aloof from people so that i don't become attached to them..i adopted that perception to avoid the notion of estranged loved ones.
But I am Human and i couldn't keep my emotions veiled..i started trusting again,started involving.I saw happy days only for them to be torn apart by pangs of agony.The biggest blow was delivered by People,whom i loved more than my life..They left me perhaps for greener pastures..Fate betrayed me further-building up a skyscraper of hope and then mulling it down by a 8.5 magnitude earth quake..
Death by far has given me the greatest of shocks..it has captured my concience like no one else!after losing so many dear ones to its merciless wrath,that too those whom no one expected to,my senses are on constant vigilance.
Im always awry of when and whom it will strike..every little move that my loved ones make,makes me shudder,throws me in a whirlpool of thoughts..every night i close my eyes praying that the next morning let me see them hale and hearty..
This fear has captivated my soul,its waiting for me to be taken to the gallows..till then it keeps on bulgeoing..I too am waiting..hopefully some day i will be able to plan an escape from its cocoon..and fly away into the clouds,cheery and happy to be Fearless again!

I am BACK!!!

It has been a long time that i have 'blogged' down my thoughts..think two years of life has been spent away real fast..From where I have left I find myself a person who is so much more at peace,composed and collected..guess time couldnot be much of a healer but definitely has been a great teacher...

I am back on my track-can set my priorities all right-thanks to a great bunch of supporting people around..I always find myself in a comfort zone, pampered and spoilt..and I Love that feeling!It has been the first few years of life where I can now feel that I am 'loved'..

I feel rejuvenated..a fresh zeal within me..I look at my past and I wonder how I could whine and cry all along!I was always shrouded with pessimism, negativity..pulling me back,holding me from moving ahead..a fear nudging at me..I am happy that I have finally broken the shackles that imprisoned me..am Still a loner,amidst the crowd,I still borrow Hardy's 'Far from the madding crowd' to describe my social life..but what has changed has been my approach towards life..instead of counting my days,I now try to make the most of every minute I live..being with me,or with my family..reading romantics or aspiring to fly high..I try to see things in positive, under a 100W bulb..!

I have locked the dark room where the negatives are still lying to get developed..Its better that way,not knowing them..No they wont haunt me anymore..I am by me..I love me!

A DREAM- AN EYE OPENER!

One morning I opened my eyes,
I found myself in a topsy turvy condition.
My bed was floating.
I looked down only to shriek in horror!!

Trying to reason out the mayhem around me,
I got down from my bed.
My feet got soaked in blood-
It was cold, ice cold…

As I waded through the pool,
I came across a head,
It was a head without a body.
It was a girl’s,
Somebody with whom I could remotely connect to.

It began speaking to me.
It took me to meet many such bodiless heads.
Each one had certain emotions strewn across their faces.

Some were crying, some stoned to silence.
Some were disturbed, some totally at peace.
I halted at each step.

The ones who were crying, I asked them “Why ?”
They replied –
“We fell prey to the mindless actions of men,
In their efforts to achieve their dreams,
They experimented with our lives .”
They had died of faulty medicines and polluted goods.

The silenced ones, didn’t break theirs.
The head that was accompanying me , said
“they died of bombings”.
I then figured out their silence,
They had met with death, when they had least expected it.

I turned my gaze to the ones who seemed disturbed.
Even before I could ask, they said –
“Corruption like a canker has eaten into our lives.
The bigger powers crushed our existence.”
They were butchered.

The last few I saw, were still serene.
Confused, I asked their reason of peace,
In the time of this malady.
They said, “we are happy that we no longer have to tread in this world,
We killed ourselves.”
Mercy killing, I thought wasn’t over.
They killed themselves not being able to tolerate the distress any longer.

Perturbed, I asked that first head,
“Why do you show me these?”
It turned my attention to a nearby mirror.
I stared down hard at it.

Shocked I found out that the head was my face off!!
Realization dawned on me,
I am the future, so I have to work in the present,
So that the past isn’t repeated again.

The head spoke one last time.
“Wake up before its too late”.

The next thing I knew was,
I was sitting on my bed, panting.
It was only a dream.
It wasn’t that late afterall.

EVERYDAY'S A NEW TODAY...

You loved me once, and I loved you too..
You love me not, but I love you still..
You will love me no more, but I will love you even more
EVERYDAY

Smile you did and smile did I,
Smile you do, and cry do I,
Smile will you, and cry will I
EVERYDAY.

Remember you did and remember did I,
Forgetting you are, and remembering am I,
Forget you will and remember I will,
EVERYDAY.

Lived for once,
Am dying now,
Die will I EVERYDAY..

Because you were near,
But you are going far,
And farther will you go away,
EVERYDAY.